Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
