Princesses don't give blow jobs
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
