What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
