I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
