Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
