Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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