You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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