you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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