The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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