you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
