We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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