dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
whose ass print is on the piano?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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