My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize