Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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