Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
