I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
