There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
