i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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