I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
