I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
