I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
