Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'd cum for enchiladas.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
