My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You pole danced in your parka.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
