i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize