the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
