yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
