I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
