My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
