So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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