history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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