I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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