Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize