perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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