just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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