too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
