I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
