we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
