we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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