I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ketchup is God's man juice
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Randomize
