I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
