either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize