woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
