I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
