He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
