i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
