You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
