he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
