all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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