I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
