Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
