I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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