i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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